To me you seemed like you had the perfect life. You were beautiful, athletic and popular. I remember that I was somewhat intimidated by you. To think that I was naïve enough to assume that your life was automatically better than mine seems silly and immature to me now.

 

I hope you had your reasons, and I hope they at least made sense to you, because honestly, I don’t understand. But I’d expect that from me, being as I never really was one of your close friends… though I’m not sure they understand either.

 

I don’t understand how you did it. Some say suicide is a cowardly thing, but it must take some degree of courage and guts to take those pills or tie that rope around your neck, knowing that if you’re not found…you won’t be saved.

 

Truthfully, I don’t know how to feel. My friends sob their hearts out, having nightmares about you hanging there… but me, I don’t know how to feel. I’m shocked. I won’t be one of those pricks who pretends to be upset because it’s fashionable to act that way in these situations, but I will pay respects to you, because I grew up knowing you, and that has to count for something.

 

Cysga’n dawel.

Not been updating much lately, just been quite busy. Was my birthday on Monday - meant to do a post then about stuff, but will leave it for when I have more time to something other than a brief update!

Have literally just been working all this Easter holidays, and have barely any money to show for it. Bah. I've clearly spent too much, but my loan's coming through next Monday, so everything should be sorted by then. Had Karate camp two weekends ago which was comprised of sheer awesomeness. Speaking of Karate, my club finally has a shiny new site, which is looking to be pretty snazzy.

Anyway, will update properly at some point!

For the first time in AGES, I've written and finished a piece! I'm quite happy :)

You can read it here.

Feeling quite accomplished now!

Ugh.

I thought I was on a bit of a roll with arty stuff this week... posted a new deviation up, which I was pretty proud of, considering that I'd just sat down and started doing it randomly, with no sort of plan whatsoever.

I really really really can't stop listening to this song!

I think this youtube comment sums it up:

' Arghhh! it's like high school musical meets Eurovision song contest!....AND I LOVE IT!'

How cute is the female singer? Aww.

My friend showed me that you can get different themes on Firefox...

I feel much better after having a shower.

My essay ended up being finished at 6.00 a.m this morning... went to sleep, deadline was twelve o clock... woke up at twenty to. Shiiiteee! Panicked because a) I hadn't printed it and b) I didn't know where in the building I had to hand it in! People who saw me must think I'm a right stress head - I was so exhausted and so frustrated, nearly in tears, that I'd spend all night doing it so I'd get it in on time, just to lose ten marks purely because I got it in about 5 mins too late.They didn't say anything about it being late, so hopefully I'm OK. It's happened to people in the English department before though... so who knows. My grammar test also went abysmally, so this adds up to a freaking brilliant day so far.

Woohoo!

Fuck me, the weather's pretty crap today! It was blowing an absolute window-rattling gale last night. There's something a little eerie about the sound of wind whistling through the gaps in my windows. It's worse in my room back home - there's a little vent just under my desk opposite my bed, which always makes this high-pitched squealing whenever it's particularly windy outside. I was intensely afraid of the dark, so the whistling never helped, and I always hated just lying there, scared witless with this strange feeling somewhere in the pit of my stomach. This is why I could never watch horror movies... sometimes I'd try, but I'd recognise the dull thud-thud of my heart as I started to get more and more freaked out. If that happened, I knew I'd be having a sleepless night.

The first time I felt it and didn't have any nightmares or anything was when I watched Evil Dead II with my boyfriend a while back. I'm told the first is geared more towards horror and the second is a lot funnier. I certainly laughed, but despite it being pretty dated where special effects were concerned, it still scared the shit out of me, especially when you saw the main character (played by the almighty Bruce 'Don't call me Ash' Campbell) descend more and more into insanity after being left alone with some freakish spirits. Managed to get to sleep afterwards OK though!

I had a bit of an Evil Dead deja vu last night because of the turbulent weather. Youtubed a few videos, and came across Evil Dead the Musical. Not new to me by any means, came across it a few months ago, and still praying it'll come to the UK sometime. They have this thing called 'The Splatter Zone', which is the first three rows of the audience, where you're likely to be splattered by fake blood from the stage. Fucking amaaazing!



So, I really haven't made any headway on that essay... (for the above reasons :P too much time watching Evil Dead clips on youtube!!) which is due tomorrow. Oh dear. At least it's Easter soon... although I have another essay to research and write for then, argh! Lots of reading to do too. Plus lots of little projects I have in mind. Once I'm back home, I'll be able to get to them properly and perhaps post something half decent on deviantart. The stuff on there seriously puts mine to shame, it's depressing! To be expected though, being as I haven't actually done any arty stuff since I finished my A Levels. Sometimes I do kinda wish that I'd done some sort of Art course instead of English. Ah well, what's done is done!

Back to this friggen essay then! The sooner it's done the better, I can't believe I've left it this last minute!

Why is it so difficult to start an essay? There's just something about a blank page that just completely phases me. I've cut it pretty thin with this essay - the two I had for English over Christmas were planned, researched etc. well in advance, though I was still working up to the last minute before I went back to University! This one's still Lit... but German Lit. Eek! Not to mention that there aren't as many articles (in English at least) on it, so it shouldn't really be a last minute thing. Not to mention that I'm still finishing reading the damn book!

So what is it in us that just makes the majority of students such procrastinators? Right now, I'm distracting myself by writing a blog while watching Season 1 of Project Runway on youtube (I'll definetly have to write a blog on my affection for fashiony reality tv shows after I've finished this essay... I'm such a whore for America's Next Top Model!). Other times, I'll be browsing facebook for about 2 hours, then perhaps I'll move into the kitchen and just sit around and talk for another hour, make some food, waste another hour... you get the picture!

Not exactly the picture of productivity!

Sometimes I just wonder why I do constantly end up in this pattern whenever it seems like I have some work to do. I have a whole bunch of projects lined up for the next few months (something else I'll cover in another blog post!) so I really need to get myself in gear.

Speaking of which... I best be getting on with finishing this damn book and getting some quotations! Ugh, I hope I at least start it tonight at some point.

I don't know what it is with me and zombies as of late - ever since I saw 28 Days Later I've been seriously hooked.

From Max Brook's World War Z to my most recent find The Zombie Hunters, I just can't get enough of this stuff. People are saying they're getting tired of zombie films... honestly, if you can put a new spin on it like my favourites, then I don't really care if zombies pop up.

The whole first person thing has obviously been done recently with Cloverfield (which I also absolutely freaking loved - it's the first time I've come out of a cinema really excited from seeing a film in a long while. Definetly worth the hype), so this new spin on zombie-lore seems pretty sweet to me in light of that film's success. Plus, hell, it's George A Romero for crying out loud!

For those people who know me pretty well, the fact that I'm really into the zombie genre right now is probably surprising. 'I <3 Zombies' is hardly something you'd expect to come from someone who couldn't sleep for days after watching trailers for most horror films. I refused to watch any, and I mean any, horror film of any sort. OK, so I'm still not a horror person... but zombies? Zombies I can do!

(edit) My boyfriend just read this and said 'I see you didn't give me credit for getting you into zombie movies :P' so there's the credit for you, Mr. Terry Butler! It's all his fault!

I've been pretty damn neglectful of this particular project. I do have a habit of doing this, so it doesn't surprise me.

The past few months, fun as they may have been, seem to be making me into a person I'm a bit ashamed of. Drinking's fun, but it's all I ever seem to do, other than training! Even then, I find myself being lethargic, depressive - when I'm drunk, I get upset and angry about things that wouldn't normally bother me, which ruins my night, and sometimes other people's. I feel alive in training, but those few days that I do nothing are horrible.

I don't like the person I'm becoming - I may be training real hard in sessions, but I barely do anything outside of them. I'm neglectful of my weight training, anything outside of what is a scheduled lesson. Not to mention that I have all this free time, and I do no writing, nothing whatsoever. Uni work is all last minute stuff anyway, so it makes no sense whatsoever.

Fuck this shite then. This is a pretty selfish endeavour really, because it's all for me me me, dammit! But y'know, I need to do this, or I'll just end up in a place I don't want to be (probably an office, eek!).

Last night, I did a demonstration as part of an International Festival with my Jiu-Jitsu club. Honestly, those 8 - 10 minutes reminded me why I do this shit to myself, why I come home with bruises, why I was gutted to have injured my elbows (I fell over, drunk, in a nightclub, and managed to land backwards on my elbows. Ouch! I may have chipped them, haha, but they don't hurt anymore, and surprisingly, the joints seem to be in pretty good shape still! It was a pretty spectacular fall and produced some AWESOME bruising haha). Sometimes, people wonder why the hell I like to be hit and thrown and grappled... I suppose you understand if you have the bug for anything, if you have that passion even for something that's not so physical, then you just know what that buzz is like. Trust me, I was buzzing... in more ways than one, those lights were hot!!

Martial arts is a relatively new passion for me, compared to that which I have for writing and the arts. Or had. I'm bringing it back though. Hopefully I'll do some more stuff like I did for my Art A Level (pretty much all of it is on my deviantart page, hopefully new stuff will join them).

I started this journal because I wanted some sort of writing to show for myself for a possible career. Truthfully, I'm honestly not sure what I want to do... but I'd rather resuscitate what's been a part of my life for so long (like I said... when I was a kid, I wanted to either be a Power Ranger or a writer... I'm not even joking!) and hopefully ignite the same passion that I have for martial arts in my writing.

Time for some changes :)

WALES
WAAAAAALES
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALES

Fuck, so wasted. Thank the Lord I'm WEEEEEELSH!

My God, it's 2008, I have 10 days to write two essays, as well as 9 days to revise for an upcoming poetry exam - sheeeiiit.

I'll post more this year, maybe. Maybe not. We'll see!

I've gotten drunk in the smelliest kitchen you have ever seen with complete strangers. (they're not now)

I've managed to almost kill myself by laughing about the stupidest things, including oysters (don't ask).

I've watched a guy try to pull girls online on some 'Second Life' wannabe game. FOR TWO HOURS. (surprisingly entertaining)

I'm now part of 'THE FLOOR FIVE MASSIVE' (respect).

I've dressed up as a sexy secretary.

I've given a bra to one of the guys when they were cross-dressing for a pornstar party.

I've discovered how much love I have for Mickey Finn's Apple Sours.

I met more people than I'd expected to while queuing up for modules - including one guy who went to a Catholic school and had to run through a nun's graveyard in cross-country.

All in all, I'm totally loving Swansea University. Here's to the best four years of my life!

I’m trying hard to steer clear of profanity right now.

I decided that fflamgoch would be moderately profanity-free purely because I want to see how far my writing can go without my having to resort to effing and blinding all over the place as I normally do when I’m passionate about something.

…but for fuck’s sake. This is DEFINITELY something worth swearing about.

I recently discovered the female Muay Thai/ MMA fighter Gina Carano through a show called ‘Fight Girls’, on which she is the mentor.. Oh man, I’m absolutely in awe of her. She's technically brilliant and evidently very powerful and very strong. (AND she's Italian - fighting breed, I'm telling you!)

  

When it comes to videos of women fighting in the ring or in the cage, there’s a certain inevitability to the attitude that comes across through the comments. Carano is undeniably physically attractive, and she’s clearly a self-assured and confident woman, the kind of woman that is just the embodiment of pure awesomeness to me. It irritates me when guys just say ‘she’s hot’ or ‘I’d stick it in her’ when her fighting ability is so good, there’s so much to comment upon there! The strength of her kicks, the way that she can just be all over her opponent without steaming in like an express train, the fluidity of her movements… You wouldn’t see the same kind of comments on videos of males fighting as you would on the Carano videos I’ve been watching.

This one guy just takes the biscuit. I don’t bother reading the comments much anymore, but my boyfriend pointed these out to me. They were posted on this Warrior Nation video (which is only the first part goddamn, and doesn’t have the fight on it)

 “these girls are tough for women but i could take them esaly”

 “that doesn't surprise me so sit out to the side and let the men talk before u get hurt honey”

 “it doesn't anger me as much as it makes me laugh that she's tough when all women need there man to protect them the only thing women are good for is laying on their backs"

(his punctuation, his spelling)

Urge to kill… rising… rising…

You know what? I’d love to smack this guy…

 …in the balls. Then we’ll see how ‘tough’ and ‘manly’ he is.

Let’s throw him in the ring with Gina Carano and have her give him a knock around. A few elbows, knees and roundhouses to the head might do him some good, at least it saves on a lobotomy.

Like hell he could beat someone like Carano. If you watch that video, you’ll see that she moved into a room at her gym so she could focus on her fight. This woman lives, eats and breathes fighting, while this guy probably sits around in front of a computer on his fat ass all day boasting on youtube about his testosterone and sexual prowess while wondering why he can’t get a girlfriend that he can ‘protect’ or get to lay on her back for him.

I’ll end this on a high note with the awesomeness that is Gina Carano.

(Yeah, the music annoys me too - but the other one I found had Street Fighter soundeffects added in ha)

I’m amused that I actually wrote most of this post without a great deal of swearing. Go me and my writing!

I’m so bad for getting addicted to those little mini games you find online. You know, the really stupid yet ridiculously fun ones.

Whether it’s a golden oldie like Pacman on Facebook or Insaniquarium* on Popcap, they’ll have me distracted from what I really should be doing for a good few hours.

You’ll think ‘Oh I’ll just take a break for 5 minutes,”… five minutes turns to ten and then ten to fifteen… before you know it, an hour has passed and you’re still thinking that you’ll just be tapping away for another 5 minutes.

Dangerous during revision periods... but fun? Hell yeah!

As procrastination is done best with a friend, you're guaranteed to get the most giggles out of the games on MSN Messenger. Being able to  abuse your friend via Messenger while you beat them/ they beat you is a guaranteed winner.

BrainBattle on MSN is brilliant for this, but you have to type quickly to get the answer before your friend does! Guaranteed entertainment when neither person knows the answer, as you suggest that Harry Potter or James Bond is the 2007 Snooker Champion or that Scotland is the capital of Malaysia (true story). Unfortunately, I suck really badly at this game.

*omg fishies!!

I hate getting up early. I hate that in rush hour customers expect you to pull a million cappuccinos and lattés out of thin air as well as serving and making food when there are only two of you working. I hate it when they complain even after seeing how stressed out you are. I hate the fussy customers, the customers who try and get free stuff out of me and the customers who complain to me about the prices when all I do is run it through the till. I hate it when customers are somehow selectively blind to the menus that are in front of the till, right in front of their noses. I hate it when it’s so quiet with no orders and when EVERYONE decides to come at the same time, and leave at the same time. I hate it when there are three new people starting on the busiest day of the week when the majority of the regulars are away on holiday.

But!

I love that I’m saving money for Uni. I love the people that I work with. I love making food and making damn good coffee. I love making myself hot chocolates. I love making my own lunch. I love the lush customers who say please, thank you and realise that you’re only human and not dirt under their shoes. I love when the orders are constant enough to take your mind off the time, so it goes faster. I love discounts. I love that I know I’m going to get a damn good reference and that I’ve got a place to work in the holidays.

I could rant all day about work, but perhaps I should try and be a little more positive!

So, I have about 30 minutes to kill right now as I’m sitting here with some dye on my head, waiting for the roots to magically disappear.

 The hair dyeing ritual is something that’s almost second nature to me now. Like I said in my previous post, my hair’s been red for about 3 years now, and it’s been dyed various (natural) colours for even longer than that, so it would make sense that I’d learnt a few tricks by now. Like putting Vaseline around your face, neck and on your ears so the dye doesn’t stain your skin, or scrubbing with toothpaste to get the dye off your hands (I’ve not always been so successful with this one, so I just try not to get any dye on me!).

The colour red that I get on my hair is lush, I love it when it’s first done. I get all excited when I’m dyeing my hair because I know it’ll finish off at the stage that I like my hair best; freshly cut and freshly dyed, looking all shiny and niiiice. My natural colour (brown) is so boring. You’d have thought that being part Italian would give me a crop of shiny, dark brown hair, but it seems that genetics chose to give me a head of mousy, frizzy almost grey-brown hair. Brilliant.

I suppose that was partly the reason I went for red in the first place; my natural colour is so boring, so ordinary, and I didn’t have the outgoing personality to make myself noticed anyway. It sounds completely stupid, but having red hair like I do now gave me confidence, so I came out of my shell. The reason I stuck with red was because I felt like I’d found an image which suited me and which made me feel happier with myself. Once I dyed my hair red, I came into my own. Being 'the redhead' was something I preferred to my awkward alter-ego at school.

Aaah I’ll cut the sappy stuff now!

I love all the silly stories that go with brightly coloured hair. I have a friend who has dyed her hair every colour under the sun, even multicoloured. She and I used to get the best looks and the best comments, especially from little kids. Once, I stood in Greggs waiting to get a yummy gingerbread man, and just heard some little kid saying ‘Mummy… MUMMY! Look at that lady’s hair!! MUMMY! LOOK AT IT!’

Kids give the best reactions, obviously!

Time to wash this stuff out now! If there’s anyone reading this who has a thing for a certain hair colour, or who dyes their hair all the time, leave me a comment, I’d love to hear any stories that anyone has.

Before I go stick my head under the sink, I’d like to recommend the communitydyed_hair to you guys. Seriously awesome community with awesome members who are so helpful with anything regarding colouring your hair.

Fun fact! Ancient Greek heroes used to redden their hair as a symbol of courage!